Hey! :-D



So... sometimes Kimchi Cuddles gives me freaking hives.

I mean, pretty-much ANYTHING that valourizes non-attachment gives me hives. I've wanted to bitch-slap a Buddhist Nun (Pima Chodron, if you're curious) on more than one occasion for that very reason.

Like: Why would I form an attachment with someone who isn't going to stick around? And if I am forming an attachment WITH someone ("to" is different... if only because I'm working from the assumption that it's totally one-sided), I'm going to expect them to stick around.

Sometimes it feels like I'm missing this HUGE piece of the puzzle.

Like... If opening my heart up, so deeply, to other people is only ever going to be a huge, painful, risk...
And if, upon doing so, I STILL have to meet all of my emotional, physical, social, romantic, attachment, and sexual needs BY MYSELF...
Then why the ever-loving fuck would I do that to myself?


I mean, maybe the huge piece of the puzzle I'm missing is reciprocity.


I once straight-up snapped at Ghost. It was... I dunno, probably last May or June? Still inside of six months after C broke up with me, at any rate, but it was at the shop, so it would have been later than April. I quoted a thing I saw on Facebook (er, I think) about how a relationship without expectations "isn't a relationship, it's an acquaintanceship with strings attached". That if I can't expect continuity and some sort of reliability in terms of the other person caring for and about me, then I don't actually have a relationship because there is no sense of "on-going-ness" in that situation.
She amended her statement to my needing to have "reasonable expectations" which... is not as bad as telling me to have NO expectations, but is still not very great to hear.

What is a reasonable expectation?

Sometimes I feel like romance is just a giant game of Chicken.
(That line is going to go into a book. Not sure if it will be a novel or a poem or a short story, or what, but it will be written into SOMETHING, ideally soon).


But, yeah. It's like a cross between "whoever cares first, loses" (Which is basically: welcome to hell!) and... like a relationship (of any kind, really, even though I'm talking about romances here) is NEVER going to deepen if somebody doesn't take a step towards somebody else, and then another.

And, ideally, those steps are reciprocal. Like, if I step forward, the other person will ALSO step forward. Rather than, say, if I step forward, the other person will TELL ME that they've stepped forward, but won't actually move.
In the former, we end up with people moving steadily towards each other (yes, it's a bit of a clunky metaphor, or whatever, since everything has Natural Eb and Flow, and all that, but go with it), whereas in the latter, we end up with me basically advancing on somebody, wondering why my relationship feels so unstable and uncertain, while the other person watches me get closer and closer, lies to me a whole lot, and then freaks out when I get "too close".

I'm okay (mostly, usually) with "making the first move" and asking someone to get coffee or whatever. I'm okay with saying "Hey, do you want to hang out" and then telling the other person if I want to do it again.
I'm okay (sort of... not "happy" okay, but "accepting" okay) with the other person NOT wanting to do it again, or not being romantically interested in me, but still being game for hanging out and being pals (this generally involves me scaling WAY back on how frequently I'm available to hang with whoever-it-is, though).


But... once I've made the mental/emotional leap from "pals who flirt" to "we are actually dating"... I have this whole other set of expectations that show up. Like:
We are both adults, so this is going to be a forever relationship, because adults know how to process their feelings and show up for each other, and will actually bother to do it...

And that is a ridiculous expectation.

But... if I take out the "so this is going to be a forever relationship, because"? Then not so much? I mean, we don't all know how to process our feelings, but we try? We aren't always good at showing up for each other, but we try? WE TRY? There's some sort of discernible effort being put forth to TRY and work things out, TRY to be kind and supportive, TRY think of the other person as well as ourselves? Yeah?

and this stuff where you MUST meet your own needs, where you can't rely on anyone else to care for or about you... it's just... where is the joy in that? It's just being massively responsible to a bunch of people (because you care about them) without any reciprocity?


Like, there's got to be some sort of missing piece in there, because otherwise why the fuck would anybody bother???
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