amazon_syren: (Default)
( Nov. 14th, 2009 04:32 pm)
To Quote Fetlife:

"Friends are people who if i don't see them for a month i miss them, partners are people who if i don't see them for a month i get all emo and write bad poetry.

This made me grin. ;-)

Lots of poly101 (and some poly202) resources and articles.


Some favourites:

Quantum Love (101): Moreover, in polyamory, there is no social construction to rely on, no pre-written script to validate my emotions. So I am thoroughly me, with a responsibility to be honest with myself and with everyone else involved about my passions, resentments, needs, desires, my history and my dreams.

Fixing the Refidgerator -- How to deal with the scary stuff in polyamourous relationships.

NRE, Falling In Love, and Conscious Choices.

What Not to Do - Non-Disaster Version.

Posessive Jealousy vs Informative Jealousy -- How to tell the difference, and what they each mean.

How to Communicate 101

Link Posts:
Feelings, Communication and Negotiation.

Related Link:
Poly for Dummies.

Quotation: Own your feelings. No one can make you sad or angry or happy, they are your emotions. They exist in your head and nowhere else. You own them. You. There are always choices. Accept that sometimes you are going to feel good or bad for no reason at all - not because of the people or events in your life. When you make someone else accountable for your feelings, your disempower yourself.

This statement actually kind of drives me nuts.
In particular it drives me nuts because it tends to appear, if not in the same breath, certainly in the same article/101 post/book as statements like:
"You can't make a rule that says 'no falling in Love with other people'. You can only make a rule that says 'no more than two nights a week spent on dates with other people'. You can make rules to govern people's behaviour, but not their emotions".

Because - as every poly101 text says - emotions aren't rational.
You can't just *decide* not to feel, say, jealous and then actually be successful. You can decide to ignore your jealousy or not talk about it, and have it be the elephant in the room, and spend a lot of time crying or angry, but you won't actually *stop* feeling jealous until you actually sit down, figure out what the Real Problem underlying the jealousy is, and then sit down *with your partner* and figure out how to address *that*.

You can choose how you react to the emotions that get stirred up in a given situation, but... you can't choose the emotions themselves.

Statements like "you own your emotions [...] there are always choices" imply a significant degree of consciousness and rationality that emotion doesn't actually have.

I can't tell myself: "You will no-longer feel threatened by XYZ" and have it happen, any more than my girlfriend can ask me to do the same thing.

My girlfriend makes me happy. She makes me angry. She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel threatened.
She doesn't make me feel insecure, but she does trigger my insecurities fairly frequently.

I know that it's her presence in my life that is the cause of this or that feeling of peace or joy or wellbeing. I know that it's this or that action *of hers* that causes me to feel angry or crushed or safe or cherished in this or that situation.

That doesn't mean that I think the key to making myself not feel angry/crushed/anxious/fearful or whatever it is that's eating me in Situation Q is to get rid of Sara, or to make Sara pretend to be something she's not or feel something she doesn't.

The key to making myself stop feeling guilty about having three secondary sweethearts and half a dozen casual/play-partners while my primary partner is only dating me and casually playing with one other person... the key to that is neither to cut all of my sweethearts and five of my play-partners out of my life, nor to pressure my primamry to throw herself into more relationships than she wants.
It's to make sure that I'm giving my primary what she needs from me while also realizing that she's happy and comfortable with the number of partners she has and isn't actively looking for more.

I can choose how I deal with the emotional responses I produce.
Because they're mine.
But I can't choose which emotional responses I get in the first place, because emotions are not subject to that kind of rational decision-making.

Anyway. Blah blah blah, polyamoury.

Quotation that I actually like:
Let down your walls, trust, open up, risk and let yourself be vulnerable. Without vulnerability there is no intimacy. Emphasize friendship over romance. Take your time. Savor what you have instead of dwelling on what you don’t have. Practice truly unconditional love. Share. Learn.
A book review from Tiger Beatdown:
Hos, Hookers, Call Girls and Rent Boys -- An anthology I would like to read, in part because it looks at different types of sex work (and experiences of doing sex work) from the perspective of privilege.
E.G.: A university-educated gal who does escorting in a hotel room and chose the job from a wide variety of other options some of them similarily lucretive and/or flexible is going to have a significantly different experience from an under-educated gal who does escorting in a hotel room (or a street corner) and chose the job from a much smaller variety of other options most-of-which pay minimum wage.
A black rent-boy is going to be dealing with a very different set of client-assumptions and/or expectations than an asian rent-boy or a white rent-boy or what-have you.
Someone who strips to pay for school is going to have a much different view of her experiences (particularly the bad ones, if/when she has them) than someone who strips to pay for surgery/HRT who is going to have a much different view of her experiences (particularly the bad ones, if/when she has them) than someone who strips to pay for the drugs she hooked on, and so on and so forth.

Once again, I want to read this book.

Two articles from Fugitivus (which everyone should read. No seriously. EVERYONE):

A Few Things To Stop Doing When You Find a Feminist Blog -- Which is long and takes a look at The Status Quo, Privilege, Misogyny, Victimhood, and a whole big bunch of other stuff. There's even instructional videos. Go. Read. NOW.


"Sure, A Woman Shouldn’t Be Raped For Wearing a Short Skirt, But If I Leave My Door Unlocked, It’s Only Reasonable To Expect I Will Be Robbed" and Why That Annalogy is So Totally Fucked that It Boggles the Mind -- About social responsibility, paying attention to the nasty things we secretly believe, and huge-assed disclaimers that confirm that you do, too, believe X.
Go read this one, too.

Followed by:

Harlot's Parlour -- A blog about sex work and sexuality from multiple international perspectives (started in the UK).

One Taste orgasmic meditation -- Eight Reflections on Intimacy. (My sweetie and I were looking at these while in NYC).

From Feministing:
The Rape Problem -- About university administration and victim-blaming/shaming.


From Sex Geek:

Topping a Top -- about boundaries, respect, intimacy, vulnerability, and how the kink community treats dominant people vs submissive people. Dovetails nicely with this post by Naamah_Darling.


The Logistics of Non-Monogamy. Good advice for those (like my good self) who are out of the harbour and starting to navigate the open (-relationship) ocean for the first (or not the first) time. :-)

In Other News: Making a vegetable stew tonight. It was such an autumny morning (I could see my breath and everything) that I felt a need to make something hearty for dinner. Granted, it's 8:30, I'm tired, and the stew is still pretty soupy. But I shall have a very hearty lunch tomorrow (and probably the next day) instead. :-)


sesame oil
dash of chili powder
lots of savoury
some sage
dash of thyme
black pepper

green onions


Romano beans (tinned, but very well rinced and drained)
button mushrooms
yellow summer squash (small and cut into sliver-thin rounds)
sweet potato (1)
yukon gold potatoes (2)
nori (one sheet, roughly torn)
baby spinach (plus extra to add at the end)

I think it will be quite tasty. :-)

- Amazon. :-)
amazon_syren: (Two Little Girls)
( Jul. 17th, 2009 12:48 pm)
Queer, Kinky and/or Poly Blogs (often also writerly):

No More Potlucks -- an Ottawa/Gatineau dyke blog.

Freaksexual -- first (currently) article is (A) long, and (B) about youth (as opposed to age) and poly organizing. So far, so interesting.

Radial Symmetry - The Blog of the Amazing and Delectable Megan Butcher.

AmandaEarl[DOT]Com - her new site, which includes poly stuff and writerly stuff, among other things. :-)

Radical Vulvas -- Ottawa Chapter. Keep your eye out for their August 14th show. :-)

Smut in the Capital City -- I posted this one a couple of days ago, but I'm putting it here, too. It's the blog of Rockalily co-founder Rawknee. Go take a look. :-)


Sex Geek - also local. Sweeeeeeeeeeet. :-D

In particular, take a look at:
Ten Realistic Rules for Good Non-Monogamous Relationships,
desperately seeking a hot bi babe (or, the politics of recruiting),
On (not) Being Femme.

There will be posts talking about this stuff - particularly the last one - in a day or two.

For now, I need to get myself out for a walk and some writing.

- Amazon.
amazon_syren: (Default)
( Jun. 13th, 2009 07:12 pm)
So, my sweetie is going to the "I Love Sex" party at Goodhandy's tonight.

She's looking forward to getting a chance to be with her friend-and-coworker in a situation where they don't have to feel guilty about Not Working while fooling around with eachother.

She's not sure if she'll ever get an actual Date with this gal -- partly because she doesn't want to cause drama (which I think means: get too attached), because that'll throw things off at work, and partly because she doesn't actually know this woman outside of a work situation.

But the gal in questions seems to be quite sweet on her (no surprises there), so we'll see what happens. :-)


My sweetie-pie. <3 :-)

In other news: I have a bathtub full of dishes to do.

Yes, I said "bath-tub". When I have a LOT of dishes -- such as dishes that have been sitting around for LITTERALLY a week after a party and I just haven't had the combination of time and inclination to actually get them done -- I put them in the bath. Because, that way, I *have to* do them if I want to take a shower.
And I'd really like to take a shower!

Mmmmmmmm... With honey-scented soap and a loofah or something. :-)

WestFest was awesome. Saleema Nawaz (who I went to school with at various points in my life) read from her new novel, and Luna Allison and Shanon Beahen performed at the Spoken Word show, which was faboo.

That said: What is this style of slam-poetry wherein one speaks loudly and relentlessly and <*cough*> without much in the way of nuance <*cough*> into the mic? I suspect the point is to be overwhelming, but mostly I find it irritating. We can modulate our voices for a reason. Doing so adds significantly (I think) to the tone of a piece.
That particular style I just described... It feels too much like someone who is typing in all caps and without any punctuation.
Which is unfortunate.
Sound and fury signifying nothing is a crappy way to perform if you actually have something to say.



Dishes. Or something.

- Amazon. :-)
Weirdly[1], this (from Iclysdale's journal) is what I'm working towards:

have the stupid fights that families have, have endless stupid discussions where we figure out what we really meant and sort it out

... and the other stuff, too. ;-)

I had an interesting (and rather relieving) discussion with Sara last night that included our explaining to each other how polyamoury (specifically "being in multiple romantic relationships") gets defined inside each our own heads.

In *my* head, polyamoury looks a bit like this:

I start out dating Person A. Person A fills up my Romantic Calendar and my relationship with Person A means that I'm getting a particular mental (probably unconscious) list of needs and wants met. YAY!

I meet Person B. We hit it off and start dating. Now Persons A and B are filling up my Romantic Calendar (so they're sort of going halvsies when it comes to things like time). My relationship with Person A is still meeting that mental list of needs and wants. And now Person B is also meeting *another* mental list of needs and wants.

Two different people, two different lists. Though there is probably some (maybe even lots) of overlap between the two lists.

Continue to add People (sweethearts, lovers, FwBs, etc) until I realize that I'm going to run out of personal time in-which to date anyone else and still maintain some sort of a non-dating personal life + down-time of my own.

My darling Sweetheart's mental map of polyamoury looks a bit different. In her case, she starts out dating Person A, and her relationship with Person A satisfies the needs and wants of a particular part of herself. (Maybe the artsy-spiritual side, or the energetic-club-kid side, or they hyper-sexual submissive-masochist side, or whatever). Which means that there are still a bunch of parts of herself that are not getting their needs and wants met.
So eventually she finds Person B, Person C, Persons D & E, and so on until her romantic calendar is nicely filled and, more to the point, she's got enough sweethearts, lovers and so on that the needs and wants of all the different parts of herself are being met.

This helps to explain (to some degree) why hearing her tell me that "Part of me is crazy about you, and part of me likes you as a friend but is totally uninterested in you romantically," freaks me out to the degree that it does.

In *my* mental map of romance and relationships, 100% of me is interested in being with a given partner. Regardless of how many partners I have. (Granted, I've yet to have more than one Sweetheart, so this is all theory for me at this point).
So hearing about this 50/50 thing scared the hell out of me because, to my ears, it sounds like she's having a HUGE conflict of emotional interest and my situation as her sweetheart is very precarious.

Whereas, when she's *saying* it, she means (I think) something along the lines of:
"My relationship with you satisfies the wants and needs of This Part of Me. And This Part of Me is totally crazy about you because you're exactly what it wants and needs. All the other parts of me want and need something else that you can't be without NOT being what This Part of Me already wants and needs. So be yourself, let This Part of Me be totally crazy about you, and let me go and find Other People to take care of the other parts of me".

And when I think of it that way, it's a lot less scary.

Anyway. All this to say that: Wow. I'm really clueless about this and have a lot to work on. Okay then, let's do that. Wah. :-)

But at least I know. :-)

- Amazon. :-)

[1] Actually, it's not that weird. And I know it's not that weird. I'm just still very much learning that "good, healthy, relationship" does NOT equal "we never fight, are interested in more or less exactly the same things All the Time, and the honeymoon never ends".
Intellectually I know that this is crap fed to me by the same culture that tells me that my purpose-as-a-woman is to pump out babies and/or to be a fuck-doll for The Man, and that fits of jealous rage mean my partner Really Loves Me. Emotionally, however, I'm having some difficulty letting this one go. :-P
amazon_syren: (Default)
( Nov. 18th, 2008 06:16 pm)
I am buying new books.

Lots of new books.

Because I am a book fiend and have oodles of birthday-gift money to spend there-upon.

As such, I have bopped over to and purchased the following:

Full Exposure: Opening Up to Sexual Creativity and Erotic Expression by Suzy Bright

Unrepentant Whore: The Collected Works of Scarlot Harlot by Scarlot Harlot

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino

Some Days I Think I Know Things: The Cassandra Poems by Rhonda Douglas

The Eros of Everyday Life: Essays on Ecology, Gender and Society by Susan Griffin

I am gleaful.

They will get here (singly or in bunches) some time between this Friday and mid-December.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :-D

So a while back (late August?), when I was still searching madly for appartments, I spent an evening with Idioglossia. She made me feel better, so YAY HER! :-D
Anyway. I'm brining this up because we were talking about the Bullet Train to Marriage model of relationship-ing.


Sex, Relationships and the Hazards of Making Default Decisions.

The above link goes to a blog article (by Greta Christina, author of Paying for It: A Guide by Sex Workers for Their Clients) that discusses just that: the internalized expectations of How Relationships Go that I, for one, have (A) concluded are doing me no good what-so-ever, and (B) am, despite this conclusion, still having one hell of a time getting rid of.

It's super-important, and I think everyone should read it.

Go. Read it now. Then link your friends to it, so that they can read it, too. :-)

Side note: This One, by the same author, discusses how sexuality is tied up with the Lure/Fear of the Forbidden in our society and how familiarity with sexuality is often thought to lead to bordom with sex rather than, say, comfort with it. It's also a good article. Shifter_Cat, in particular, I think would enjoy it. :-)

- Amazon. :-)


amazon_syren: (Default)


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