amazon_syren

In the interests of spreading this around:

Signs of Emotional Abuse
Symtoms of Emotional Abuse
Warning Signs of Abuse


- TTFN,
- Amazon.

I think this is the first time I've heard his voice.

I think he has good things to say.

I think I need to take them to heart.

First, a link forwarded to me by one of the gals from my old Goddess BookClub:
A (M)otherworld is Possible: Two Feminist Visions. A conference on gift-economy, motherhood, environmentalism, and all that good stuff. It's at York, this October. :-D


From No Not You, via Torrain:
Sexual Assault Prevention Tips: Guaranteed to Work!
These ones actually DO work. Read and implement!!!


From Jezebel:
Whoop Goldberg Bring Sex-Possitivity to "The View" (video clip).


From Pandagon:
On Riot Grrrl, 90s Feminism, and... apparently... Kids these days? Haven't read this the whole way through, so my first impression may be off by a tad. FYI.


AND


Two From Fugitivus:
Looking Back -- on body image, sexuality, self-worth, and abuse.

[...The] part of my brain that could operate independently, for my own pleasure, and with any strength of conviction, was atrophied to the point of non-existence.


Both of the Fugitivus ones are epiphany-big. Not nearly as HYOOJ as her "Rape Doesn't Happen in a Vacuum" Post(s), but fairly large, none the less.
Go. Read. I'm guessing they will both ring some bells for a few of the people reading this.


- TTFN,
- Amazon.

Link from Fugitivus:
On Rapists and Jokes That Relieve Tension. Thought provoking? You bet!

And, from the same blog:
On How Growing Up in an Emotionally Abusive Home can Fuck You Up But Good. Triggering? You betcha! <*insert rictus grin here*>

So...

I was in a really crappy mood yesterday afternoon and evening. Which wasn't helped by either the yeast infection, OR the 'a' key on my computer getting wonky, OR my cupcakes totally falling apart when I tried to take them out of the pan. :-P
Very disappointing.

Bleagh!

I came back from phamily dinner - in-so-far as it happened - in no better a mood (yes, I could have rung Commodorified's doorbell, but she's swamped with work and I didn't want to bug her. I figured that if she was up for coming down, she'd find me on the front porch and that would be that), and seriously wondering what was up with myself.
I'm kind of expecting to start bleeding shortly, as it ws that kind of a totally pervaisive, can't-find-the-roots-of-it frustration that I sometimes get when I'm PMSing.
We shall see, I'm sure.


Anyway. I came home, got online, and discovered Go Fug Yourself. Which is a catty, catty blog that picks apart the not-so-fantstic/flattering outfits of various hollywood celebrities.

I loved it!

I went from feeling like a total bitch who was unfit company for actual human being to chuckling and feeling much better about life in general.
In, like, maybe an hour.

It's *phenomenal*! (Thank you, Nadine, for linking to it on your blog!)


Anyway. So, yes, I have a rude-ass-bitch streak in me, and I think it's much better to channel it towards celebrities who don't know I exist than it is to inadvertently snap at people I actually like.

So three cheers for Go Fug Yourself, for making the world a slightly better place. ;-)

Why this has been a good week:

I've had the oportunity to use my brain to think about *and discuss* stuff that matters to me. And it's also been stuff which I am trained to discuss. Go me! :-D

It has been incredibly nice to remind myself that (A) I have a brain, that (B) works! and (C) I can talk about stuff I believe in, and (D) do so coherently, maybe even eloquently, and (E) have other people listen to me and (F) appreciate what I have to say.

That is a fucking AWESOME (re-)discovery!


Go Me! :-D


Also: Therapy was awesome. :-D Who knew? :-D

So.

Dinner last night was interesting.

I say "interesting" because I was watching how I reacted to it.

See, typically, $35 = dinner for two in my world, not dinner for one. I'm cheap like that, I guess. Either that or I have some sort of hidden Issue around treating myself well.

I say this because, sitting on my own, eating at the bar in Canvas, this tiny, local/organic/sustainable restaurant in Hintonburg, I ate slowly, savoured the roasted tomatoes (which are, quite possibly, my new Very Favourite Thing), the mushrooms, read snippets of my book between bites of spinach gnoche, mopped up the pesto with torn bits of bread.
It felt very sensual.
Verging on erotic.
The kind of thing that could easily be labled a guilty pleasure.
I ordered dessert (khalua creme brulee - which was rich and smooth and creamy without being heavy or greasy or too over-the-top sweet) and then raspberry tea to finish.
(Glad I didn't order the soup of the day, but only because I wouldn't have had room for dessert if I had. Butternut squash with vanilla and coconut: It looked and smelled quite wonderful, I have to say).

Maybe this is because I'm a headonist who grew up in a house that frowns on pleasure.
But that meal felt surprisingly good.

(If I were independently wealthy, I suspect I would spend my life eating at good restaurants and getting spa treatments. Possibly globe-trotting, as long as I got to fly first class. ;-)


After dinner, I strolled down the street to CUBE Gallery. The poetry reading started late, but it was pretty decent.

The one gal (second reader) had a style that was very choppy. Sara says "Maybe she just really likes Yoko Ono".
The kind of reading style
whereallthewordsruntogetherandthensuddenly
...slow...
... down...

Seemingly at random.

(I wonder - suspect - wonder if this is a way of putting emphasis on things that might or might not claim emphasis for themselves just by being read normally but out loud. It might also be a way of reading so that the way the words look on the page are the way they sound to the listener. Sort of a way of making the blank spaces (the tab-keys, whatever) show up whe you're reading aloud).

It was interesting. She read a series of connected poems that become more coherent (to my mind) as the main character reclaims her boundaries, her autonomy and her life after what sounded like a really crappy relationship (with a man - father/boyfriend/something else, I don't know).

Memorable line:
My sugar cube in her mouth
keeps his taste
away


Closing line of the cycle she read:
Yes
I am breathing on my own now
I am breathing
on my own
now


I liked those bits. :-)


With that in mind, and with a small collection of poetry books stuffed into my bag this morning, I have written a poem of my own. (I hope there will be more to follow).

It's called "Clouds", and it's located here.


On a similar note, because it's still technically Poetry Month but also because it's Mayworks already, a piece by Kate Braid:

*~*~*~*~*

General Strike, 1987

See this sign? In Protest it says
but it syas more, things
you won't see printed here
no matter how hard you strain
those eyes.

It says I'm fed up with all this
farting around.
I can't talk pretty like some
but I know that I vote
for every damned thing
in my union. Now tell me
the last time the boss
asked my opinion on the foreman's salary
or how fast the green chain moves,
through nobody knows better than me
what could make that place hum
for the better of all of us.

I give'em my blood and my msucle
for eight hours of the day and still
they say when I work and "if" and
when I take a break and "if" and whether
they'll give me earmuffs for the job or
if I got to buy my own, though
you go deaf fast without'em
and some days
it's a half hour overtime, no extra pay,
'cause the boss has a rush on, no care
that I'm the one got to pick up the kids
'cause the wife works afternoons.

So when they said I have too much power
I damn split a gut laughing, 'til
they told me I didn't have a job no more
lest I work for less.
If this is too much power then
what do I make of Timothy Eaton or Conrad Black
who don't seem too worried about the next
mortgage payment or if they can send their eldest
to a better school 'cause teacher says
she's bright.

Me and the people like me,
we built this province, board by board
and we built it good
and if this government says
I'm a traitor for asking
for a steady job or the right to question
what they did to make my work life worse
then I'm on the march. See this sign? It says
I'm fed up
with all this farting around.

Braid, Kate. 1991. Covering Rough Ground. Polestar Book Publishers. Vancouver, B.C. Pp. 50-51.

I am exhausted.

I am also HAPPY!

Yesterday went swimmingly!

If January 23rd was an astonishingly awesome day, so-to has been February 7th. :-D

Idioglossia came over just before noon. She moved furniture (I futzed around in the kitchen, putting chocolate-ginger-pumpkin bread in the oven), we went out to the Yang Sheng and she got us take-out noodles and chicken and shrimp and such-like. :-)

After eating (and feeling much better all around), we started shooting.
By-which I mean playing.
See, I LOVE playing dress-up. It was one of my favourite games when I was a kid.
And this was basically playing dress-up.
This was getting out every piece of jewelery that I own and piling it in a heap that took up most of my coffee table (well, once it was spread out) and having my hands and feet and face and sternum and shoulderblade written on with marker that smelled like toasted marshmallow. It was getting makeup put on my feet, and playing games with light and shadow (I quite enjoy "find the interesting contour" and will have to try it with a bare bulb and a mirror again some time).

I really like working with Idioglossia. She knows the kind of images she's going for, and actually has a plan when she shows up to a shoot. And she's cool with colaboration, and if she wants something specific, she'll actually SAY SO, and she shows me tricks and stuff (like the purpose of hideously pale, glossy "lipstick" -- now I know!) and I actually *learn stuff* when I'm working with her!


This is why I love this job. This is why I would love to do this stuff (and get paid for it! Whee!) often enough to make (some of) my living at it. Because it's FUN and I ENJOY IT!
WHEE! :-D



Anyway. After the photoshoot (which finished up a little after 8pm -- not bad. $100 for eight hours of work. That's better than my rate of pay at DND, and the job is more fun, too!) I dolled myself up and headed over to Commodorified's place for a wonderful, wonderful party.
There was singing.
There was a poetry competition of sorts between Torrain (who I was desperately happy to see, as I don't think I've actually laid eyes on her since, like, May) and Commodorified -- basically who runs out of lines first combined with who cracks up first -- filthy limerics vs lined from the Gashlycrumb Tinies. (WHEE!)
There was icewine and chocolat and very spiffy cheeses and port and/or madiera (I can't spell) and limes squares and candied nuts and maple whisky and meade and chocolate cake and baguettes and garlicy goo.
There was wonderful, chatty conversation with various wonderful, chatty people!

I feel fucking fantastic after that! :-D (Seriously! I was so tired after the shoot that I was starting to crash -- sorry Idioglossia -- but I got in the door of this party and I was re-energized (still tired, but no-longer frazzled, so to speak) within aproximately two minutes. Possibly less. How awesome is that???)


Also, I now have blue toenails that will be getting bluer in a few minutes (first coat has to dry).

Plans for the day:

Laundry
Brunch with the Slashers (if I'm very lucky, I may get away with a pair of jeans from this outing)
Phone Sara
Photography fun (followed by dinner) with Terry et al chez Raynedaze
Fall into bed, exsausted but still happy, remembering to set the alarm for work tomorrow.


:-D

This should be a good day. :-)


In other news: I can't find my blasted foundation. This is a problem. Idioglossia, it didn't randomly end up in your makeup kit, did it? (Unlikely, but I figured I'd ask).
[EDIT: Found it. I'd gone and put it "back" into my purse, along with my lipbalm. Ahahahaha. Silly me. ;-) /EDIT]


Off to brunch now! :-D


- TTFN,
- Amazon. :-D

Busy Social Weekend has already begun. :-D

Went out for dinner with Raynedaze and Tsivia (Shwarma! Yummy!)
Exchanged vaguely flirty smiles with the dude working behind the counter, just because I could (and because it was nice to be out and about for once). :-)
Went home with Raynedaze to nosh on cookies, coffee and tea (and tastey pound cake with andied fruit in it). Got to hang out with Commodorified, as well. Whee! :-D


Tomorrow: Lunch! Whee! Followed by play-date! Whee! :-D (Back on Saturday, don't yet know what time -- may depend on the weather).

Note: I hear that it's going to get DAMN cold in a few days -- around mid-week next week, I think? Will be asking Miz Sara when she's due to get back into Ottawa and, if it's a time during-which I'm able to meet her at the bus, I will offer to bring her winter coat and super-warm boots to her, 'cause damn. That's just no good. (Then again, if she's just grabbing a cab home, this may not be an issue). Anyway. Something to look into.


Saturday: Back in Ottawa (weather permitting -- which it totally should). I curl up in my bed and snooze. At least that's the plan. :-)


Sunday: Slasher's Brunch! :-D (I think this is still at the usual location, is it not? Or are we doing Dim Sum?)


Monday: Depending on employment (or lack thereof) I may be meeting Miz Commodorified for coffee chez Umi in the afternoon. I know that, in the evening, I will be seeing Miz Seanchaidh, as she is crashing chez moi on Monday nights for the duration of the bus-strike (or the semester, which-ever is over first. ;-)


Therapy was good today. Not exactly fraught with accomplishments or breakthroughs, but that's not too surprising. It's been a while since I had a session and much of this was just relating what's gone on in the past little while. Much of which (aside from the employment problems) has been quite possitive in its outcome.
I mentioned to her about my idle consideration of a move to Toronto -- she (being a York girl, and so somewhat biased, but also somewhat knowledgeable of the area) said that she thought I'd absolutely thrive in Toronto because of all the different scenes there that I could get into so easily.
Which was kind of nice to hear.
Still not much decided on this, one way or the other. (I'm a little worried about how much of my consideration of this option is due, not to my own wants and needs, but to the fact that it would be easier to see Sara frequently, and for longer durations, if I were in Toronto -- In part because of the Mega Bus, in part because she'd be up working at Goodhandy's and The Lounge relatively often. Which, granted, is definitely a want. But I'd prefer it if I were entering into significant ammounts of Upheval for more reasons that just the one).

Also: Learned about "Consolidated Moves" -- a set-up wherein a bunch of different people share a moving van who are all moving to the same city. Basically an alternative to the U-Haul (for us non-drivers). Something to look into if ever I do end up moving.


Anyway. It's pretty damn close to 2:30am - which is crazy (for me, at least), so I'm going to go to bed before I screw myself out of all possible chances of getting myself out of bed before 10am. :-)


As a side note: Sara has a date tonight. Not a client. A date. I am - somewhat to my surprise - pretty-much entirely okay with this. I came home to a phone message wherein she told me she has a date with this guy (who totally ran to catch up with her after they'd met the other night, just so he could give her his phone number, and who had figured she was trans and was 100% not bothered by that - YAY!) and my main reaction was: "Sweet!" And I want to know how it goes. :-)
Part of me is, of course, scanning for insecurities. 'Cause I know I get anxious (sometimes) when she likes Other People a lot. And she does like this guy quite a bit, or so she says (and why would she say so if she didn't). So we'll see how this plays out, but so-far, I'm feeling quite alright about it. :-)


Anyway. Time to sleep. Muffin-making, dip-making, and library-book-returning are to happen tomorrow morning.


- TTFN,
- Amazon. :-)

I just got an email from my ex-husband.

That was… unexpected.

I was a little apprehensive in opening it, but it turned out to be just an update.

And an apology, unexpectedly enough.

He wanted to let me know that he’s been doing a lot of work on himself over the past few months (YAY!) and that he’s seeing someone new (YAY!) who – get this – was very up-front about wanting an open relationship.
Which he decided to try and deal with because it occurred to him that there was a pattern here.

So good for him! :-D


He says he’s been working a lot on dismantling his Ego of Doom (thank all the gods!!!) and that he’s starting to realize how difficult it must have been for me to live with him the way he was.

He is happy – or happier – (YAY!) and he hasn’t suggested getting together, let alone getting *back* together (YAY), and so, over all, I came out of reading that email feeling…

Happy. Less nervous.

I feel really proud of him for kicking his own ass and working on himself like this, and I hope he keeps up with it.

And I feel really happy that he’s found this new lady – a lady who, no less, was able to kick him in the head and make him recognize one of his own patterns.

This is really good. :-)


And I feel a bit more like I can share a little of my own happiness and progress and so-on with him, now that I know he can (probably) deal with hearing about it. :-)


I like this turn of events. :-)



Off to return safety-pins to fabric land, snag a couple of rubber snakes from the dollar store (otherwise, oh dear, I’ll be doing, like, papier machée at, like, midnight or something) and otherwise finish my Fabulous Costume. :-)


- TTFN,
- Amazon.