Sick Systems.
Someone linked to this in comment on a friend's post, and I thought I would link to it as well, since it's... good to be reminded of this stuff.

- Amazon.
amazon_syren: (This is What a Feminist Looks Like)
( Jan. 26th, 2010 10:42 am)
Via Reyl:

Interdependency and disability ("new" relationship models):

It is not just me who should be grateful for whatever I can get.

Very good article.

Go read. :-)
amazon_syren: (Default)
( Jan. 20th, 2010 05:33 pm)
bifemmefatale posted this, and I think it's worth the re-post:

Words of wisdom from my friend [info]cbpotts:
"We do better when we deal with people not as we wish them to be, but as they actually ARE."
amazon_syren: (Default)
( Jan. 19th, 2010 05:56 pm)
This song has made me cry every single time I've heard it.

First time I heard it was at my ex-brother-in-law-to-be's wedding.

I think we played it at ours, for that matter, though I don't remember. (I think we were outside getting more pictures done when it would have played).

It still makes me cry.

The Book of Love by the Magnetic Fields.
Words Worth Remembering:

Real love doesn't make you act crazy. The reason we act crazy when we are infatuated is because we want it to be real so badly -- we want to jump over the distance of time that makes real love what it is. [...].
That's the trick of romance: The crazy infatuation love is so much brighter and turns so many more corners so quickly. Much more exciting than the real thing.
But real love, at its finest, makes you feel like you are bursting open, like this: Like hearing a beautiful song, or reading a beautiful poem, or hearing a wonderful story, and the tears come and you don't know precisely why.
It doesn't hurt; it hurts in a way that isn't hurting, that we don't have a word for. Largeness. Enormity. It takes a real strength, a real grace, to stand up straight in the face of that. Especially if you're not familiar with it.

From here (a blog about the Gossip Girl show, of all things).

So, throwing out a quick call for help here.

My sweet darling is coming up to Toronto tomorrow.

She's not sure what day she'll be going from Toronto to Ottawa: Partly this will depend on whether or not she can spend some time with her Toronto sweetheart and partly this depends on when she does her shoot with Todd, and partly this depends on when she can get a lift to Ottawa.
But she does need to be in Ottawa on the 25th.

Obviously, I'd like to see her earlier than that, but that all depends on the above-mentioned sweetheart-and-ride situation.

She would rather be traveling with someone who has been pre-screened by a friend rather than with a complete stranger off of Craigslist.

As such, I'm throwing this out there (please spread it far and wide, O friends with friends in the Toronto-and-Ottawa areas):

Is there anyone driving from Toronto to Ottawa on the 23rd, 24th, or the 25th (earlier rather than later on the last one) of December, who would be willing and able to take another passenger who is traveling on a hell of a budget right now?

Let me know, so I can send you her contact information.

Thanks a buundle! :-D

- Amazon. :-)

Lots of poly101 (and some poly202) resources and articles.


Some favourites:

Quantum Love (101): Moreover, in polyamory, there is no social construction to rely on, no pre-written script to validate my emotions. So I am thoroughly me, with a responsibility to be honest with myself and with everyone else involved about my passions, resentments, needs, desires, my history and my dreams.

Fixing the Refidgerator -- How to deal with the scary stuff in polyamourous relationships.

NRE, Falling In Love, and Conscious Choices.

What Not to Do - Non-Disaster Version.

Posessive Jealousy vs Informative Jealousy -- How to tell the difference, and what they each mean.

How to Communicate 101

Link Posts:
Feelings, Communication and Negotiation.

Related Link:
Poly for Dummies.

Quotation: Own your feelings. No one can make you sad or angry or happy, they are your emotions. They exist in your head and nowhere else. You own them. You. There are always choices. Accept that sometimes you are going to feel good or bad for no reason at all - not because of the people or events in your life. When you make someone else accountable for your feelings, your disempower yourself.

This statement actually kind of drives me nuts.
In particular it drives me nuts because it tends to appear, if not in the same breath, certainly in the same article/101 post/book as statements like:
"You can't make a rule that says 'no falling in Love with other people'. You can only make a rule that says 'no more than two nights a week spent on dates with other people'. You can make rules to govern people's behaviour, but not their emotions".

Because - as every poly101 text says - emotions aren't rational.
You can't just *decide* not to feel, say, jealous and then actually be successful. You can decide to ignore your jealousy or not talk about it, and have it be the elephant in the room, and spend a lot of time crying or angry, but you won't actually *stop* feeling jealous until you actually sit down, figure out what the Real Problem underlying the jealousy is, and then sit down *with your partner* and figure out how to address *that*.

You can choose how you react to the emotions that get stirred up in a given situation, but... you can't choose the emotions themselves.

Statements like "you own your emotions [...] there are always choices" imply a significant degree of consciousness and rationality that emotion doesn't actually have.

I can't tell myself: "You will no-longer feel threatened by XYZ" and have it happen, any more than my girlfriend can ask me to do the same thing.

My girlfriend makes me happy. She makes me angry. She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel threatened.
She doesn't make me feel insecure, but she does trigger my insecurities fairly frequently.

I know that it's her presence in my life that is the cause of this or that feeling of peace or joy or wellbeing. I know that it's this or that action *of hers* that causes me to feel angry or crushed or safe or cherished in this or that situation.

That doesn't mean that I think the key to making myself not feel angry/crushed/anxious/fearful or whatever it is that's eating me in Situation Q is to get rid of Sara, or to make Sara pretend to be something she's not or feel something she doesn't.

The key to making myself stop feeling guilty about having three secondary sweethearts and half a dozen casual/play-partners while my primary partner is only dating me and casually playing with one other person... the key to that is neither to cut all of my sweethearts and five of my play-partners out of my life, nor to pressure my primamry to throw herself into more relationships than she wants.
It's to make sure that I'm giving my primary what she needs from me while also realizing that she's happy and comfortable with the number of partners she has and isn't actively looking for more.

I can choose how I deal with the emotional responses I produce.
Because they're mine.
But I can't choose which emotional responses I get in the first place, because emotions are not subject to that kind of rational decision-making.

Anyway. Blah blah blah, polyamoury.

Quotation that I actually like:
Let down your walls, trust, open up, risk and let yourself be vulnerable. Without vulnerability there is no intimacy. Emphasize friendship over romance. Take your time. Savor what you have instead of dwelling on what you don’t have. Practice truly unconditional love. Share. Learn.
amazon_syren: (Default)
( Sep. 19th, 2009 09:53 pm)
I did not make jelly today.

I did play with makeup a little, and I have a better idea of what to do with my makeup for tomorrow. I think I'm going to do my hair in a couple of buns.
Yeah, yeah. Very anime.
We shall see.

I've got my dress, my kimono, and two pairs of shoes. (Freaking shoes... they take up so much room...)

I've been having another evening of crying jags. :-P (Makes me wonder what my makeup looks like right now).

I'm angry. I'm really, really angry. And I hurt.


I don't want to do this fucking photoshoot. I don't care about it, it's not convenient for me to get to, and it's too fucking cold out to be in a sun-dress.
amazon_syren: (Two Little Girls)
( Sep. 18th, 2009 12:44 pm)
These two are from Feministe, and they both made me cry.

Dangerous Thinking -- About working towards what we want, rather than away from what we don't want.


Lovers in a Dangerous Time -- About vulnerability and why it's so powerful.

Please read them.
amazon_syren: (Default)
( Aug. 30th, 2009 08:06 pm)
Well, I made it back from NYC.

That place is so full of (A) concrete and (B) beach trees... it's just nuts.

Central Park is awesome, and balm to my soul (I *love* The Ramble, but all the bits I got to see were lovely. Except for the random portable-fairground thing... That was a little incongruous...). All that green... Balm to my soul. <3 :-)

Time Square is insane. It's the place where the city herds all the tourists. (I feel a bit funny saying that, since I'm not exactly a local or anything, but still. I wasn't exactly pawing at my girlfriend and going "I wanna see the Empire State Building!" and such-like. We saw the Slipper Room. And the park. And that was about it. Did I mention I really like Central Park? It's heavenly. I really, really like it).

Nolita has its charms, for sure (in the form of tiny little bakeries and organic delis and hat shops and houses that look a bit like the ones in China Town and beautifully ornate fire escapes on old, old, retrofitted apartment buildings.

I think I could get to like the place. :-)

She made me a mixed CD for our anniversary. It has Our Song on it and a bunch of other stuff that makes me get all sniffly.

Miss her so much already. (No surprises there).

Anyway. Work tomorrow. I'm exhausted. And a little giddy since "dinner" has been mango gelato.

Not entirely sure what I'm doing for lunch tomorrow, though I suspect it will involve cubes of cheese.

Anyway. Time to go.

- Amazon.
So! Last night, my sweetheart and I went out to Umi for the YWTF launch/open-mic. :-D

She did a dramatic reading of Elizabeth Ruth's "Quantum Femme" (her favourite piece from my Brazen Femme book) and I then read two of my poems -- "Briars" and "Swallow". The first one is about breaking old habits and patterns (I think I'm going to submit it to Goblin Fruit tomorrow, actually. Must polish!) and the second is - no surprises here - erotic.
I think it's safe to say it was a hit. ;-)

Squee! :-D

NOTE: If you'd like to hear either/both of them, please come out to Umi Cafe next Tuesday, July 14th, for Voices of Venus. I'll be reading them plus one or two others (assuming I can come up with one or two others). :-D

My wonderful sweetheart (currently asleep in my bed) will, alas, be missing said show by a day - she's rather disappointed about that, as she'd REALLY like to see Jessica Ruano perform (she's our Feature, btw), but she's got clients waiting in NYC and needs to get back.


Last night was awesome. She and I and Jessica hung out after the show, eating peanutbutter cheesecake and yacking about theatre (I am now VERY disappointed for missing "Nevermore" at the Fringe because, holy moly! How perfectly, perfectly, whimsically, spookily, GORGEOUS! And with *musical numbers*!!!! <*squees at the youtube clips*>) and such-like.

It was fantastic! (And now I've actually *met* Jessica. So score onee for me! ;-) Only sad bits? Not seeing Hex and Deleriumfae there. (I brought Hex's sweater and everything). :-(
<*sad face*>
They would have had such a good time, too! :-(

My gal got to visit with a friend yesterday - Miz Mandy Lou of "Auntie Lou's Treats" -- you know, the fabulous vegan cupcakes you can get from the Herb and Spice? Those are hers -- and was feeling very social, which was refreshing for her.
Miz Mandy says the we will have to try out Zen Kitchen -- the new local/organic/etc place on Sommerset (SO there! I've been eyeing it for months and it's FINALLY open!), so maybe we can do that tonight. :-)

We are both looking forward to (A) Phamily Dinner tomorrow night, and (B) the weekend of Bluesfest-y goodness -- Loreena!!! Ani!!! :-D (we still need to figure out who we're going to see on Friday. Sugestions? :-)

Sso it's going to be a packed week. :-)

I'm still not working. For the moment this is fine, partly because I know that my boss is working to get me re-hired, and partly because it's nice to have some vacation time (more on that in a moment), especially when one's sweetheart is visiting, and partly because I've got 2 months of rent in the bank so I'll be fine if I'm not working for a few days. ;-)

But, yes. Vacation. I'm looking forward to my Toronto trip at the end of the month (have my bus ticke and my hostel booked and everything -- apparently the hostel does a good breakfast at their cafe. Sara says "Dammit! If I'd known you were staying at the same place, I'd have brought you my left-over breakfast vouchers! Boo!" Or, well, words to that effect. ;-)
Still. It's three days. I'm sure I'll survive. ;-)

Also: My darling and I are making some plans to spend our anniversary in Ithaca.
the idea is that I would bus down to Ithaca, NY and she would take the bike (and the spare helmet) up and meet me in town. We'd spend the day (the weekend?) there, visit my aunts (who I SO want her to meet because they'd all just be CRAZY about each other) and possibly/probably my grandmother. (I *fianlly* got that letter in the mail for her! Took me freaking long enough!) and then we would road-trip back up to Ottawa and she'd spend some time with me -- hopefully enough to enjoy Pride Week and do Ddyke March with me again. That'd be really nice.

Anyway. There are plans to make and erotica to write (and breakfast to eat, omg!) so I think I'll get on that before my darling gets up. :-)

[EDIT: Bluesfest Plan is as follows:

Friday July 10th, 2009
Devotchka – 9pm – Hard Rock Café Stage

Saturday, July 11th, 2009
Diunna Greenleafe - 5:45pm - Subway Stage (??)
Loreena McKennit – 8pm – Rogers Stage
Brian Setzer Orchestra – 9:30pm – Bank of America Stage

Sunday, July 12th, 2009
Jenn Grant – 6:15pm – Black Sheep Stage
Neko Case - 7:30pm - Rogers Stage (??)
Ani DiFranco – 9pm – Hard Rock Café Stage

Unless our Day Pass tickets will only get us into one show per day... I thought that was how they worked, but the website doesn't say anything of the sort so... Am I wrong? Help? Someone?

Life is wonderful and good!


- Amazon. :-D
amazon_syren: (Default)
( Jun. 21st, 2009 07:44 am)
Doing dishes in the tub again. Drowning fruitflies. (My steamer is a surprisingly effective fruitfly trap. I may have to put honey in the water-catch and see what I can trap. :-)

Have also been snooping through my beads. I have a plot for some butterfly-themed earrings. May have turned up a spare earring-back for a pair of Sara's that are missing one backing. (Here's hoping -- that'd be handy, eh?) The earrings involve aventurine (chips or balls, I'm not sure) and dark blue seed-beads (inconveniently all out of sodalite and lapis lazuli balls).

Want to get earring hooks that aren't lever-back style.

Going to Pagan Brunch today to see Juniorcrone and Invokation. :-) That should be fun. :-)

Have been sleeping more this weekend than in a while, which is niiiiiiiiiice. It's funny, 'cause I'm still getting up before 7am (although, given the past week, sleeping in until quarter-to-seven is actually sleeping in. Woah. ;-)
But, yeah.

I spent, oh... two-and-a-half(?) hours on the phone with my darling, yesterday. We told each other stories and family anecdotes and she bounced choreography ideas off me for a while, and it was really nice.

She said something to me that was really touching and just... she's being brave telling me this stuff. :-) <3 :-)

Anyway. Before I get all teary-eyed and such-like... after I got off the phone, I called Arndis and Tchang and we went out for Pho and talked about (among other things) getting me set up with a website/blog-like-thing wherein I can post sex-possitive, women-possitive erotica (by me and others, I think is how it's going to work... Not totally sure yet).

So... Stuff in the works.

Twenty-four hours ago, I was angry and upset and miserable and frustrated.

Now I feel peaceful and surprisingly... well-being-y, I guess. Like things are going *well* and I feel *good* today.

It's amazing what a good day will do for you. :-)

Tonight is Whores' Hustle at Babylon. So if I'm still feeling good tonight, I think I will scoot off to that and give P.O.W.E.R. some support. (There will be bands and burlesque people! You know you wanna come! ;-)

- Amazon. :-)


I think so. :-D

(Note: Yes, something weird happened in the video-editing process).
Sara got in on Friday afternoon.

We had a bit of a mix-up in terms of meeting times -- I'd sent her a note saying "I'll see you in 200 minutes, maybe 215 to be on the safe side" (meaning "in just over three hours) and she misread it as "2:00 [...] maybe 2:15".
So she was stuck waiting around wondering why I hadn't turned up yet.
Woops. :-\

However, once that was sorted out, we've been able to spend quite a pleasant weekend together.

There's been a lot of cuddling and a lot of talking and at least one long walk.
We rented "WALL.E" and watched it twice. (Or tried. The second time was last night, and I fell asleep not long past the opening credits. Woops. ;-)

It's adorable. And the ending is just so... beautiful. It's all about building community and not isolating yourself and about finding a way to not be lonely anymore. And about plants. And environmentalism. And I think it's really quite wonderful. :-)
Also: The robots are cute. :-) Especially the little cleaning one. Hehehe. Mo. :-)

Also: Raynedaze makes really good vegan harvest pie. :-) We ate it all weekend long. :-D (Thanks, Rayne!! :-D)

In theory, we are making lasagna tonight. With any luck, we'll actually succeed in this endevor. :-)

Links of the Day (from Pandagon):

How Come People Aren't So Scared and Resentful Anymore? -- About US hard-right campaign tactics, among other things.

Dr. George Tiller.
What I don't get is why a movement that purports to be largely Very Christian can go around ignoring things like "Love Thy Neighbour" and "Thou Shalt Not Kill".
It really just absolutely baffles me how you can outright ignore stuff like that and still name yourself as a practicing, believing Christian. And I say this as an *ex* Christian who left the religion because my *actual* beliefs didn't jive with the doctrine.
Seriously, people. Either walk the fucking walk or find a different fucking path. Honestly. >:-\

Related Article:
Not to be That Guy -- About Anti-Choice tactics and how they tend to foster extremist fanaticism.
amazon_syren: (Default)
( May. 2nd, 2009 05:40 pm)
So, I've got everything done but the dishes.
To-which I am adding.

Is anyone surprised?

I *did* however have a lovely long bath (this involved icecream and a Tamora Pierce book), AND a lovely long chat my my sweetie -- I can't imagine what her long-distance bill looks like. We've been having a lot of very casual hour-and-a-half-long chats of late. Basically just spending time together.
It's really nice, actually.
It's easy and fun -- the kind of "chatting while sharing space" thing wherein she's doing her thing and - in-so-far as I can be when tied to a three-foot phone cord - I'm doing my thing (in this case, I was giving myself a tarot reading, which I then went over with her) and we're just chatting together while we're at it.

It's really awesome.

I think I'm going to do more tarot now (yay for attempting to dig into my brain...). And/or make myself some noodle soup for dinner. :-)

- Amazon.

P.S.: Link of the Day:
How to Check Your Cis Privilege -- Some of it is specific to this kind of privilege/opression/derailing/etc. Some of it applies across the board. Go have a look. :-)

Despite the fact (thank goodness) that I'm not a sergeant in anyone's army, I seem to have acquired a gender-fucking girlfriend who (A) does remarkably convincing drag, (B) smirks (gorgeously), (C) grins sheepishly (sort of), (D) has good teeth, (E) can raise one eyebrow at a time, (F) is held together by spit and coffee will power, (G) smokes when she has no other way of getting herself from A to B, as she says, (H) is unusually strong, (I) somewhat nocturnal, (J) has a knack for the sarcasm, and (K) when she has her druthers, does not opt for sleeping in a bed.

And yet I'm the one whose spent years trying not to bite people...


Moving right along. ;-)
Have actually done work today.


I'm also feeling surprisingly chipper. (A good dinner with good friends, and a big hug - albeit virtual - from my sweetie definitely helped with that!)

I love my girl. :-)
I realize this is pretty obvious, but still.
She's been going through her stuff these past couple of days, putting everything into scrap books so that it's all organized instead of being Random Bits of Paper that she can't bring herself to throw out (smart woman), and she found a picture of herself in the eighth grade. School photo. My little baby goth. ;-)

She had such sad, sad eyes in that picture.

Which, okay, granted: Not at all surprising. (Like everyone else I know, she was the Omega at school. Not really one for making eye-contact with anyone, in case they decided to give her trouble for it, jaknow?)

But still. My girl. <3
It's the kind of picture where you just want to reach through time, tell her it'll get better, and then slip her some Kate Bornstein or something.

Anyway. I've been reading more poetry, and writing down recipes for curried green-bean pilafs and grape-and-almond salads.
YAY! Summer is (almost) here!!! :-D

I'm feeling that small, heartfelt pull towards gardening again. (It's nice when that happens).

I'm thinking of trying to grow baby tomatoes on my balcony this year. Possibly in the large bucket I have been using to hold composting materials. Since it's already got compost in it, I figure if I top it up with potting soil and styrofoam chips (or whatever) I can plant a tomato plant and have nummy fresh produce on my balcony. :-D
There will also be peppermint-in-a-pot, of course.

Suggestions for where to find free buckets for use as garden pots is welcome. As are balcony-food suggestions (as long as they require very little work --> I am lazy. ;-)

Am considering the following varieties:
Salad Bush Cucumber,
Provider Green Beans (Bush),
Bush Delicata Winter Squash,
Sweet Million Cherry Tomatoes,
Window Box Roma Tomatoes.

Granted, I suspect I'll be checking out what seeds I've already got before I go seed/plant hunting in the Market. ;-)
So I spent the afternoon and evening with Arndis and Tchang (and wyrdwolf, who was off doing anthropology homework in the other room, but still).

Something Arndis said (of me and my sweetheart): It would be really nice if one or the other of you could find the stop button for the rollercoaster.

Towhich I replied: It's not that I want to *stop* -- because that implies that one or the other of us is getting off the ride. But it would be awfully nice if one of us could find the *on* button for the merry-go-round. That'd be really, really good. :-)

With any luck, after Friday night's conversation, we're one (small but significant) step closer to finding that merry-go-round button. <*sigh*> Thank freaking goodness. :-)

She was at a wedding today (which, for all I know, is still going strong). I'll give her a call tomorrow and see how it went. :-)

Right now? Right now, I sleep. :-)

- Amazon. :-)
Weirdly[1], this (from Iclysdale's journal) is what I'm working towards:

have the stupid fights that families have, have endless stupid discussions where we figure out what we really meant and sort it out

... and the other stuff, too. ;-)

I had an interesting (and rather relieving) discussion with Sara last night that included our explaining to each other how polyamoury (specifically "being in multiple romantic relationships") gets defined inside each our own heads.

In *my* head, polyamoury looks a bit like this:

I start out dating Person A. Person A fills up my Romantic Calendar and my relationship with Person A means that I'm getting a particular mental (probably unconscious) list of needs and wants met. YAY!

I meet Person B. We hit it off and start dating. Now Persons A and B are filling up my Romantic Calendar (so they're sort of going halvsies when it comes to things like time). My relationship with Person A is still meeting that mental list of needs and wants. And now Person B is also meeting *another* mental list of needs and wants.

Two different people, two different lists. Though there is probably some (maybe even lots) of overlap between the two lists.

Continue to add People (sweethearts, lovers, FwBs, etc) until I realize that I'm going to run out of personal time in-which to date anyone else and still maintain some sort of a non-dating personal life + down-time of my own.

My darling Sweetheart's mental map of polyamoury looks a bit different. In her case, she starts out dating Person A, and her relationship with Person A satisfies the needs and wants of a particular part of herself. (Maybe the artsy-spiritual side, or the energetic-club-kid side, or they hyper-sexual submissive-masochist side, or whatever). Which means that there are still a bunch of parts of herself that are not getting their needs and wants met.
So eventually she finds Person B, Person C, Persons D & E, and so on until her romantic calendar is nicely filled and, more to the point, she's got enough sweethearts, lovers and so on that the needs and wants of all the different parts of herself are being met.

This helps to explain (to some degree) why hearing her tell me that "Part of me is crazy about you, and part of me likes you as a friend but is totally uninterested in you romantically," freaks me out to the degree that it does.

In *my* mental map of romance and relationships, 100% of me is interested in being with a given partner. Regardless of how many partners I have. (Granted, I've yet to have more than one Sweetheart, so this is all theory for me at this point).
So hearing about this 50/50 thing scared the hell out of me because, to my ears, it sounds like she's having a HUGE conflict of emotional interest and my situation as her sweetheart is very precarious.

Whereas, when she's *saying* it, she means (I think) something along the lines of:
"My relationship with you satisfies the wants and needs of This Part of Me. And This Part of Me is totally crazy about you because you're exactly what it wants and needs. All the other parts of me want and need something else that you can't be without NOT being what This Part of Me already wants and needs. So be yourself, let This Part of Me be totally crazy about you, and let me go and find Other People to take care of the other parts of me".

And when I think of it that way, it's a lot less scary.

Anyway. All this to say that: Wow. I'm really clueless about this and have a lot to work on. Okay then, let's do that. Wah. :-)

But at least I know. :-)

- Amazon. :-)

[1] Actually, it's not that weird. And I know it's not that weird. I'm just still very much learning that "good, healthy, relationship" does NOT equal "we never fight, are interested in more or less exactly the same things All the Time, and the honeymoon never ends".
Intellectually I know that this is crap fed to me by the same culture that tells me that my purpose-as-a-woman is to pump out babies and/or to be a fuck-doll for The Man, and that fits of jealous rage mean my partner Really Loves Me. Emotionally, however, I'm having some difficulty letting this one go. :-P


amazon_syren: (Default)


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